After my father’s fun texting, I was thinking about my relationship with my father and particularly “the elephant in the room”. The reason this came to my mind was that I was reflecting on how he responded to me via text, and what I plan to do next to avoid more nonsense from him. Part of me was thinking of just telling him that I am tired of the abuse, etc. – since I really don’t want to be thinking about this anymore – this is my work/plan to end it. Then I realized he and I never talk about my childhood abuse, and what he has done to me and others. I can understand that he won’t talk about it because he is either in denial, it is too painful to think about, or some other reason that I won’t ever know or want to try and figure out. What occurred to me was why I don’t bring it up? Why it is so hard for me to discuss with anyone? Part of it is avoiding pain that I would face, but I think there is another reason which is more subtle. I think it was because I wanted his approval, and specifically, if I talk about those things, it will upset him and I won’t maintain his approval. I have denied the feelings, the abuse, the impact, my identity, kept it all hush hush – to please him. Wow! This was an epiphany for me. It was right in front of me the entire time. Writing my blog, journaling, therapy, etc., as helped me to face down my past, absorb it, feel the pain, peel the onion to find another layer to understand, recognize triggers, and heal myself. One thing for sure, I have my own identity – I am learning who I am, and I will not keep my feelings hushed.