The past couple months, I have noticed I have depression and it has been increasing (at least I can notice and identify it now). In the past, I never recognized or admitted I was depressed, but that this is just what life is like, and I can just push through – I am fine, I am normal, and I can hide this.
Depression can be so debilitating as I just feel stuck, want to curl up in my bed, and cry. It is different than anxiety, where I can at least think about the anxiety / fear and address the irrationality. With depression, I just want to numb the negative feelings. I went to my doctor earlier this week, and my doctor increased my medication dose. I’ll also talk more with my therapist. The most powerful and helpful thing to get out of the depressing downward spiraling rut is to recognize and accept that I have depression and having the desire to get rid of it. I am so tired of it. This is challenging because the depression can come and go. It is most prevalent when I am tired. I mostly feel it in evening times when things get quieter. Before I fully recognized I had depression, I would just treat the symptoms and assumed that fixed things – because the treatments gave some relief. For example, I use cannabis in the evening times to help with sleep, but it also reduces depression symptoms. I would also get massages regularly (I have touch depravation from not being touched/hugged enough as a child), spend lots of time outside, exercise a lot (oh and overeat – not realizing it), meditate regularly, use a weighted blanket, etc. Many of these things are good for me, but it is better to treat the cause instead of just the symptoms. What ends up happening is that I feel better treating the symptoms and think everything is all good – and then out of the blue (no pun intended) boom – it is back with a vengeance. For me, the last couple months, I have been subconsciously thinking about the anniversary of my mother’s death. She died in late December last year, and then we had to plan the funeral during all the holidays (and my daughter’s birthday), with the burial in early January. So, as the holidays are approaching it is reminding me more and more of the funeral and such. It is a trauma response. My mother’s funeral was traumatic to begin with as it brought me back to my childhood and felt all the pain again. Now as Thanksgiving is approaching and holiday talk is starting, it is in my face. For me the severity of my childhood trauma has been something I denied. Oh, I am okay, my childhood was “okay” – I can push through this. The problem is that is always there waiting to come out. I am in the process of desensitizing myself to it – by facing it, accepting it, writing about it, talking about it, feeling the feelings, and avoiding denial. I want to own it. I want to be in charge of my life and not let life happen to me. It is an onion that I keep peeling back. As I face a layer of pain, then there is another layer under it that I need to face. I also must admit that I can’t do this alone. Besides medicine and therapy, I have the support of my wife, my children, some family, and close friends. I have hope.