Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist. I find this helpful as I share my thoughts, I get a non-biased objective perspective. Of course, I then spend time afterwards reflecting on the conversation and the new perspective. This helps me tease out what is really nagging at my mind. We discussed an assortment of things, and then I shared my recent texting from my father and my response. I shared that I was proud of myself that I had no desire to engage, and to just move-on. My therapist asked if I have forgiven my father because that is “the hook”. I said yes, I believe so, as I don’t have the fear from him or a need to get his approval. I thought about this some more last night – partly out of self-doubt in my response and partly to make sure I really understood what that meant to forgive someone – particularly someone close, like a parent. The “hook” is what keeps us thinking of that person, ruminating on issues, telling ourselves all kinds of stories/narratives, and particularly, holding onto anger. Well, I don’t do this, so I know I’m not holding on to anger, but why? I think it comes down to perspective – how I view the person. When I view my father, I see a person in pain, a person struggling, and nothing I can do to solve it. I see that he doesn’t have the intention to deliberately hurt people, but he does lose self-control of his emotions. The key piece is that it is up to him to fix it, to recognize he needs help since he is in charge of how he expresses his emotions. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get the help. So, he lives with regret (more pain and suffering) and buries his head in the sand – then, rinse and repeat. I think that to me forgiveness means I am not responsible for fixing the person that hurt me – it is on them to heal, and consider compassion for the person, and remove expectations of change or hope for apology or the person seeing the error in their ways (this is really acceptance). Then my view for myself is not as of a victim always suffering by them, but of someone that survived this. I hope this experience and my thoughts help you in your journey of understanding yourself. Have a pleasant day!
